2005-11-23 - 8:42 p.m.
ive not a good nite tonite, feel like crying and completely breaking down.. but i wont allow myself. I need to start taking control of things again.. and putting things back where they should be. Talking about things never got me anywhere i like it much better kept inside and drowned out by something or someone or just anything that can block it from me. Things seem to be building up in front of me again and i cant see past them.
I cant talk to my friends about anything except maybe jamie but it does me no good to speak to him cos all he does is give me sympathy and i dont want that.. i want a way out of this. 4 years ago i felt like a normal girl in control of what she was doing and how she felt, unhappy with the way i looked but learning to live with that as best i knew how. completely and stupidly in love with someone i was so sure i couldnt be without... and it turns out even after all this time and everything thats happened.. i still cant be without him in my life.. a factor that i think is causing the most damage and tears if im honest..my love for him just wont go away no matter what he does or how horrible he is to me i hate him but i really love him.
and its amazing because i dont let ppl see this side of me.. ive really learnt how to cover it all up its what i do best.
Im going to be on my own at new year this year because my friends will all be with someone and my family are away so ithink im gonna stay at home with a few films and get through it that way its the easiest thing.
im actually glad i have this and noone can see it.. kinda like a release so i cant put stuff down that id never be able to say to anyone.. maybe its this time of year again thats making me feel this low who knows. i want things to feel better, i need them too i need to better myself before i can think about moving my life on..im 20 i shouldnt be feeling like this.. im so young and have so much more to experience in life. im begging for a better new year and a better me.
